So I spent the weekend doing very little thinking about school. I did study, but tried to approach it as unconnected to a forthcoming test or oral presentation. For fun and personal research, I pretended. I think this helped. At least I didn't have a headache all weekend.

I'll try this approach this week and see if I can do it.

I'm not sure what will happen with this term, and I don't think I can make a decision about changing to a lower class at this point. Maybe I can trust my teachers will know the right thing to do. But if I can't do this without headaches and nausea, something will have to give. I am working to be a more relaxed Buddha like human, but it might take a little longer than 12 weeks.

Anyway, it's a warm, breezy day in Tokyo, and it feels to good to ruin it with worrying.

This quarter looks to be the hardest of all. My class and the one above me have been combined, so I am with people much, much better than me. Frankly, there are many times where I simply can't participate. We are reading the newspaper, and other material such as a 4 paragraph essay that, after spending 3 hours in class and 2 hours at home studying, I still don't understand.

What to do? I have to be honest, I am emotionally unequipped to handle situations like this. Do I stick it out? Do I move to a lower class? Since the tests at the end of last semester, I have been having stress headaches every day. At least I think that's what they are. Yesterday we had two tests and I had to read a speech. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack, or throw up.

How did it come to this? I was not always the best at dealing with stress, but the 3 hours a  day of concentration gets so intense for me I feel like it is going to give me a stroke. Some times just the brainpower that goes into processing the teacher's question is hard enough. Arriving at an answer becomes too difficult. Seemingly, in every sentence, there is a word or two that I have to guess at the meaning.

The test were ok, but the speech reading was pathetic. I hadn't reviewed the speech before reading it, but I'm not blaming myself for that, I was studying for the tests the night and morning prior. Still, it was embarrassing.

Every semester we have counseling, and ironically, mine was yesterday. I successfully made it through without behaving like a petulant child, but I voiced my concerns.  I was told to give it another week, which I hope was more that just a boilerplate response.

I struggle to not lash out because I am so resentful.

I am confused, but I know it will be alright.

Yep, lately various personal issues have prevented me from posting too much. But school starts back tomorrow, so I am excited to see how this quarter will unfold.

I did have a dream about school last night. I was asked to perform at a pageant. The only event was me doing a Paul Lynde impression. I had never really done a Paul Lynde impression, so I told several bizarre jokes to stall for time that people found hilarious. I remember laughing in my sleep so hard that I woke myself up.

Actually, I probably can do a better Paul Lynde impression than speak Japanese sometimes...

I bought a bunch of new Japanese language books. Maybe soon I'll post the names. Some are pretty good.

I have been on a much needed break. I've studied a little, but I really had to do things differently. Usually I spend my school vacation doing 2 or 3 or 4 hours of review and preparation a day, and this time, I just rested. I spent some time with friends, my amazing girlfriend, and wandered around Tokyo. Oh, I have a couple part time jobs, (very part time, next week I work 6 hours between the 2 of them), but this week I worked every day.

I wonder how much the average person can study per day before reaching a point of diminishing returns? I wonder if I am pushing myself too hard to study 4 or 5 hours a day.

Anyway, good morning world.

Every day I check the weather by going here. It tells me the temperature, but doesn't bother with high pressure and low pressure and all that meteorological stuff. It tells me the if it will be sunny or cloudy, if I need an umbrella, how long it will take my clothes to dry outside, and if I will see the stars out tonight. The important stuff.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/v/Dd54kWY4_GM]

Pride is an obstacle. I so want to be able to speak properly that I get frustrated when I make mistakes sometimes. Other times I'm ok, I let it roll...

I was at my real estate agent, renewing my lease, and I had to re-copy my basic information. On my previous contract, it was written strangely, 1-21-1 何々町何々区東京都, basically backwards. But filling out the contract, as I've learned, is like microsurgery, it has to be done exactly right, or everybody frets. So I filled it out like it was on the other contract,  with my house address first. Afterwards, the gaijin that was helping me told me that next time, start with Tokyo.

I felt my self getting annoyed. Yes, I know that, I said, but I was filling it out like it was previously. He wasn't a native English speaker, so I'm not sure if he understood my frantic efforts to explain that I am a smart person.

Actually, the same kind of thing happened last night.  A really good friend of mine and I were waiting for a train to pass, and I was trying to remember the words for a local train, that stops at every stop (各駅停車）, so I was saying something like "毎駅に止まっている電車ってなんていうの？"; but the "maieki" part confused my friend, and they spent a lot of time telling me that Japanese people don't say that. I know, I said. I am trying to ask the correct way...

Again, I felt myself getting upset. Not being able to accurately convey my thinking is really hard. And the last thing I want to do is react with impatience or testiness.

Ugh. I need scream therapy. About 20 minutes of it. But Japan is too quiet, they will think someone is trying to kill me.

涙の分だけ、強くなれ。
傷ついた分だけ、優しくなれ。
打たれた分だけ、大きくなれ。

負けたくないなら、強くなれ。
転んだら何度も、立ち上がれ。
「今に見てろ」と、笑ってやれ。

For the tears you cry, let them make you strong
When you are hurt, become gentle
When you are struck, become great

If you don't want to lose, become brave
Every time you fall, every time, get up
Look and laugh.

Maybe this is a greeting card quality poem, but Japanese makes it sound like wise advice.

Free advice, you get what you pay for.
-Morphine

Unsolicited Advice. Unless someone is hurting themselves or others, I don't do it.

Remember fuckedcompany.com? If you were in IT before 2001, it was the quintessential sarcasm-infused, pre-bubble site to visit. My co-workers used to check it literally every 30 minutes. No wonder the bubble burst.

Anyway, Pud, the dude who started the site still has a lot of irons in the fire, and he wrote a very simple, direct post about doing what you want and other people's advice. I recommend. Read it here.

When I decided to come to Japan, I also decided not to listen to those of whom I barely knew, yet felt the need to tell me what a bad idea it was. I didn't judge them, I'm didn't get angry at them, but there opinions were unimportant to me. Now I speak Japanese.

Well, theoretically. I open my mouth and Japanese-y words come out. And it's spring and cherry blossoms are out here in Tokyo, and last night I had sushi with my Japanese teacher and two Korean classmates, and I am meeting a family to interview to teach their children English in an hour, and then later I will take the neighbor's dog, 春ちゃん, for a jog. Then, this weekend, I will meet my girlfriend and we will have a nice dinner and a cold beer and walk in the park (looking at cherry blossoms). Then, I will meet my classmates for karaoke and Shinjuku fun.

Yeah, I shoulda listened...

Japanese has adopted many words from English, but the meaning are a little different. "Saabisu" (サービス) was taken from "service", and has that meaning ("...this new service begins Friday"), but it is also used to mean something is provided as complimentary, like chips at a Mexican restaurant. (Bad example, but it's the last time I heard it in Tokyo). Often, at school, if a teacher gives me credit for a somewhat incorrect answer, there will be an arrow and "サービス!!" written next to it.

Recently, In class we were given a poem and the writer is describing cooking a meal for two out of habit, before realizing that the other person is not there anymore. Sort of a sad, poignant poem.

Afterwards, we were asked to imagine the situation and describe what happened. First, students offer that a girl is cooking breakfast for her boyfriend/husband and realizes he is gone. Then the reverse, a guy is cooking for his girl. The teacher asked for more, so I volunteered that it was a young child whose family had left him in the middle of the night and now he was realizing that he was alone in this big empty house. My teacher nodded and said, "Sugoi mainusu imeeji." "That's a really negative image."

Hey, in the end they come back, okay??

Last year, after spending nearly 13 seconds thinking about a name for this blog, I chose "Late Night Musings..." after remembering a book I read by Lewis Thomas called Late Night Thoughts on Listening to Mahler's 9th Symphony. It's small book of essays and I highly recommend it, as he represented to me what is a dying breed of modern philosophers.

When I read it in 1995, I was listening to Beethoven, Tchaikovsky, and Dvorak, so it was good timing for me to be turned on to Mahler. I recently downloaded the Chicago Symphony Orchestra's rendition, and listening to it again, man, what a masterpiece. I don't really like knowing the back stories to classical pieces, but the 9th is pretty interesting, you can read it here.

Under Speeches and Stuff, I added a speech I'm giving tomorrow at the graduation ceremony. Only 4 people showed up today for class, many have graduated, some seem to have lost interest, so I was one of the 2 picked to represent the class of 4. 不思議なんだったよ。