Yesterday I went to an Italian Cafe with 3 other Korean classmates. My friend since my first day of school came, while she waited for her husband who is in the afternoon class. Her Japanese is a little better than mine, but we are used to each other, so we understand each other well. Or, I understand her, at least.

A new girl came out, whose Japanese is pretty amazing, maybe the most fluid in the school, but doesn't feel comfortable at a higher level. I can't imagine her being in my level next semester. If she becomes 10% more confident, she could jump 2 levels.

Another new student, a mid-40's guy came. I think Korea has mandatory military? Several of the Korean guys in my classes have mentioned their military history at some point. Anyway, he's in the Navy, and seems like a nice guy, but the four of us put together, made for a marvelously awkward lunch. I'm not really sure why.

I was happy to try and get people talking, but I think the girl who speaks really well causes my rather shy friend to clam up, so she said almost nothing. To compound the issue, my friend's spaghetti came with a big raw egg laying there like a - well, a raw egg on a plate of spaghetti. So she spent most of the time scraping it off her plate like it was an errant sneeze.

Talking with the new girl is great practice, even though sometimes she goes way over my head. The patience and willingness to help each other at school is pretty amazing, so I don't hesitate to stop her and say, umm, what? The guy is about my level, but he's on the quiet side. This is where beer usually saves the day, but not on a Monday at 2:00 p.m.

Afterwards, we split up, and my friend and I went to a cafe and did our homework and studied. It's surprising to me to see my fellow students, who are clearly better than me, get to a restaurant and point at the menu, because they are too shy to talk. I have 10,000 more mistakes to make, I want to make them all as soon as possible.

deleted?? darn.

Every three months I get my hair cut. The date tends to fall around the beginning of the new semester, although this time I waited a little while. It's become a pretty good way to gauge my language progress, my stylist being my constant.

When I first went to get my hair cut, a secretary from the school went with me to help me make the appointment. I brought a picture of what I wanted to look like. Today, after making an appointment, I gave instructions for how I wanted it done, and we had pleasant chit chat. Awkward at times, and a couple minutes where I was in the dark, but mostly good communication. He is a great guy, and very patient.

The highlight was, I asked him to help me with the natural way to make an appointment over the phone. He then wrote out the script and we practiced it. How cool is that?

It's often said that Japanese people often bring up the same topics when they meet a foreigner here:

1. Do you like sushi?
2. Do you like natto?
3. Can you use chopsticks?
4. How's Japanese lifestyle?

And, this would be true. To date, I would say 70% of Japanese people I have spent time with have broached one or more of these subjects. But-I have realized that as I am able to carry my weight during the conversation, these subject don't come up. I mean, clearly, these people don't care about what I can and can't eat, but when I was totally unable to communicate, I realize that not only did I put the burden on them to come up with topics to discuss, but I snickered about the lameness of their choices.

How lame is that?

Day by day, I have a little more control of the conversation. The goal is 50-50, right? So even if I ask, "Hey, what do I say when I call to make an appointment?", that's more interesting than how I eat my food.

I spent some of this weekend trying to slow down the massive amount of self-criticism that has built up. I exist with or without this voice in my head telling me I should be further along then I am. As do the tests I have to take, the chores I have to do, the relationships I want to flourish. If I work harder to quiet these critical voices, will my life be better or worse? Are these voices really necessary? No.

I am also taking steps work with other classmates and volunteer groups to get more conversation practice. I want to engage people more, now that I can talk a little. I get my hair cut tomorrow, my stylist will be my next unwilling victim.

On a good note, I made an offhand sarcastic remark to my girlfriend and she actually laughed, which is a small accomplishment. I was walking her to the station last night and we usually pass a guy who sells ramen from a cart. The strange part is that he chooses a rather desolate spot to set up camp. So when he wasn't there, I said that maybe he found an even less busy street.

So, Shecky Green, I ain't. But how many laughs did he get in Japanese? I would venture to say I am leading him 1-0.

Lately, a few mistakes, misunderstandings, bad grades, etc. have really gotten me down about my progress. When I get like this, homework and my daily studies become a chore. I say to myself, "Maybe just put down the homework, and have a day off, but I did my share of that in December and January on the long winter break.

Is there really an other side to "break on through to" here? If I keep at it, am I going to be like Hellen Keller in "The Miracle Worker"? One day, complete, coherent Japanese will emerge?

It's utterly hilarious now to think that before I came to Japan, I actually used to say that I could speak Japanese.

Take it easy old boy.

When I studied (albeit briefly) French and Italian, grasping the concept of the verb tenses was pretty straightforward; present perfect, etc.

What made me really interested in learning Japanese was the cool things that you can make a verb do while speaking Japanese. For example:

行く-Go. The first difference is the natural state of a Japanese verb is not the infinitive (to go), it's ready to use: Stick a subject on the front and go.

行っている-I am going. Progressive Tense. Pretty boring, run of the mill stuff. What if I want to go somewhere? See below:

行きたい-To express the desire to go, you can conjugate the verb. Come to Japan and say you live in Hawaii, and you will hear this from all directions:). Don't worry, it just expresses a desire, no need to offer to put your friends up. You also have the negative, 行きたくない, for when you don't want to go.

行きましょう-When you don't want to go it alone, you say "Let's Go!"

行ける-Potential Form. I can go. With slightly more sad connotations, is the negative: 行けない, I can't go:(

行かれる-Passive Form. There are a few ways to use this form, the most interesting of which conveys that something rather bad was done to you. As in "I wanted them to stay, but they left on me" kind of thing. Using other verbs, this is useful if someone steps on your foot (踏まれる), Your co-workers stay home and leave you to do all the work (休まれる-literally, "they took the day off on me"), or just get scolded (叱られる).

行かせる -Causative. This has two meanings. Either, "I made him go" or "I let him go". Yep. It was tricky at first, but in context, it's kind of easy to tell which meaning the speaker is trying to convey.

You can also combine these last two to form the causative passive:

行かせられる -This usually convey the speaker was made to do something against their will. "I hate the family trips to the squid farm, but my dad made me go."

The pronunciation changes and sometimes the root (行) is just a simple sound (い-i, but pronounced long: ee) So the basic form, iku, can go through all these changes becoming the tongue twister: ikaserareru, the last verb form listed above.

Japanese verbs are fun. I still love to be on the train and hear native speakers use these so fluidly. I sound a little like a box of meatballs, rolling down a hill.

When I was preparing for the speech contest, I had my roommate listen to my Japanese and critique my pronunciation and recitation. There were some rough spots that I was expecting, to be sure. But I was surprised to find that some of the first words that I learned, I have been pronouncing incorrectly. Simple, everyday words. This had made me go back and look at how I pronounce many words, especially the ones that I have been taking for granted.

This also made me think of what someone I know called our "blind spots". The things that we do over and over without knowing it. How often do you hear someone say, "I keep meeting the same type of (guy) girl", without acknowledging their own part in this process?

Or how we talk about ourselves. When I was in therapy, I became aware of how often I put myself down. I don't do it anymore, but from others, I still hear it often. Recently, I was talking with a friend, who kept saying how pathetic she was, in sort of an off-handed, "trying to be funny" way. The more I heard it, I wanted to cringe. The only one who thought that was her, but now I associate that with her. My therapist said, "Maybe you don't mean it, but your ears hear it and your brain remembers it." So, I talk about myself in a respectful manner, as strange as that sounds.
Things like this, the things we don't even know we do, can be so much more important, than all the things we consciously try and do. I wonder what else I do by rote?

I added a couple of speeches I gave, you can access them through the craftily named "stuff" link at the top.

I've been speaking a lot more lately, at school, and around Japan. I have a little more confidence, and I am realizing that as all things end, at least temporarily, I will be leaving Japan in October probably. So, I am trying to maximize my time here. As a result, I make a lot of mistakes, get tangled up, hit dead ends, and my sentences take crazy turns. The hardest part is standing up, brushing myself off, and moving on.

I am the clown, and the Japanese language is my tiny car.

When I am talking, sometimes in the back of my head, I am thinking, "I wonder if I am making any sense." Then my fears are confirmed with blinking, blank faces.  I wonder, "Was it my pronunciation? Was it my grammar?"

Or sometimes I answer a question, and after a few blinks, they ask me the exact same question, thus telling me that I have answered an altogether different, unasked question.  Although, I have to sheepishly admit, sometimes I do this on purpose. If I understand 80% of the question, I will give an expansive answer and hope that somewhere in there, I cover my bases. Kind of like how a politician answers a question, where after the answer, you say, "What the hell was the question?"

Corns are pretty gross, right? Something you don't spend a lot of time on dates discussing. Even the word, to me, conjures images of food on dirty feet.

In Japanese, the expression for "corn" is "魚の目" - Fish Eye. Not only gross, a little creepy, too!

That's all for now.