I've made great friends in tech (By "tech," I mean the San Francisco-based turn my life has taken). It's been full of challenges and surprises and moments that I am forever grateful for. But when it gets under my skin, I long for the simple transactions and camaraderie of the service industry, the informality and unassuming conversations at the music stores I worked at, or the quiet expertise of the apparel industry.

Tech is full of smart people. It's also full of people trying to mimic their vision of businessperson or a leader.

It's surprisingly uncreative and uncurious at times, full of hot air and platitudes. It's full of thoughts created in a bubble, but said over and over with no pushback or criticism. Criticism is frowned upon or seen as not worth the risk of being seen as a troublemaker. Thought Leaders are merely just the loudest and have been given the space to keep talking.

Thoughtful conversations are surprisingly rare, in my experience. Oddly, thoughtful conversations are what attracted me to tech, and I rarely have them anymore, unless I initiate them. I don't say that to make myself look good; I only tend to ask for help when I have exhausted any other means. But I've missed conversations where the result is greater than the sum of its parts.

Managers are the cause: They don't want to be seen as not having all the answers. They don't know how to run a creative session, that may result in telling someone, "That idea isn't ready for prime time." They don't know how to teach people to stop talking so much, to spend more time listening.

It's pretty important that I start writing more.
It's pretty important that I start speaking Japanese more.
It's pretty important that I start coding more.
It's pretty important that I start networking in Japan more.
It's pretty important that I start networking in tech more.
It's pretty important that I spend more time on mental health.
It's pretty important that I spend more time on my spirituality.
It's pretty important that I spend more time with my wife having meaningful conversations.

That's my inner voice, always anxious and urgent; utterly helpless to prioritize.

The boundary between work and play for me has long been wrecked. Tech is interesting to me, so I spend a lot of time on projects that are somewhere in between. When my wife asks what I was doing in my office all weekend, I've decided on calling it "study."

If I really think about it though, it's not play. It's more about financial security than fulfillment, even though solving some problem feels good. It's not playing guitar, or writing, or being funny. There are creative aspects to tech, but for me it's somewhat adjacent to the kind of creativity that fulfills me or builds esteem.

That doesn't mean I mind it. It's more creative than many jobs I have done. I worked at a copy store, landscaping, house painting. My current work is more creative than that. But it's not as creative as playing in a band, or even service industry stuff: bartending or waiting tables.

英語で話す性格と日本語で話す性格を一緒にすることにしました。この間の何回も繰り返したお決まりの話をやめようとし、両方の言葉で同じ人に見られてほしい。考えることが伝えられない今のままでは上手くいかない。

新しい経験をしようとしたらその結果は別に大切ではない。もっとも大事なのはは経験で学んだことです。

私は常に自分自身の日本語、運動、自習などについて目標を定めています。決める度には一つの問題がよくあります。現実的な目標より理想的な目標を設定することが多いです。例えば日本語をもっと話したいです。毎日１時間（誰かと）日本語で話せばいいかなと思っちゃって必死にクラブ、Meetupなどを探し始める。でも、それなかには簡単に入れない場合もあるしだれも参加していないMeetupもある。でも正直に言えば今日テクノロジーイベントに参加しててもだれも話せかけなかった。より現実的な目標として毎日５分間くらい誰かと話せばいいよね。

あっという間に更新せずに三日間が経っちゃった。持久力をつけて早起きしてみます。やることがいっぱいなぁ。